i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize