I think my fart just growled at me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm both gender and math confused
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
