meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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