It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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