Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
