I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
