I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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