pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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