When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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