that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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