The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am one with the molecules
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
