The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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