even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
is that a dick in a sweater?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
