I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
