For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
