I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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