Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
