"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
