She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
