apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
