My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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