the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
