remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
