someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Success! We fucked roommates!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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