Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
