I think my vagina is haunted
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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