Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
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