the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
