Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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