i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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