i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
