so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
