Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
