You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
