Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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