I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
