The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
