You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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