Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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