I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
