Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
