I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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