I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
