Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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