Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
