Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
