He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
