i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
