My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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