party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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