Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
