Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
