just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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