do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Randomize
