just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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