I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
