fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
