you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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