funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
