btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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