I wish my penis had an off switch
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
