I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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