Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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