Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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