i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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