grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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